December 15, 2018
Once Jeff Bezos takes over everything with his Amazon monopoly, people will be forced to rely on Amazon for every single aspect of their lives. Regular stores will die out en masse, and no one will have any choice but to bow to Bezos.
The only people making decent wages will be Wall Street Jews, tech nerds in Silicon Valley and mixed race shock baton-wielding private security guards.
Everyone else will either become opioid dealers, cyber-augmented Neon-Nazi guerrillas or Amazon ™ wage-cagers.
Resistance fighters and regular citizens alike will dodge Amazon’s mulatto private security teams on daring Amazon package raids deep in occupied cul-de-sac territory.
Huddled in basements, they’ll tune in to contraband ham radios at certain times to hear secret broadcasts from the mysterious Chinese jungle guerrilla leader, Anru Wang-Lin.
“If we can disrupt *static* the 2-day Amazon Prime guarantee *static* the system will fall apart!” – the radio will warble out every Friday at 6 pm.
The explosion in online shopping has led to porch pirates and stoop surfers swiping holiday packages from unsuspecting residents. The cops in one New Jersey city are trying to catch the thieves with some trickery of their own.
Police in Jersey City, across the Hudson River from New York, are teaming up with Amazon to install doorbell cameras and plant dummy boxes with GPS tracking devices at homes around the city.
They didn’t have to wait long Tuesday for someone to take the bait.
“We had a box out on the street for three minutes before it was taken,” said police Capt. James Crecco, who is overseeing the mission. “We thought it was a mistake at first.”
The suspect was caught, Crecco added.
Exact figures on porch thefts are hard to come by. A company commissioned by comparison-shopping service insuranceQuotes.com surveyed 1,000 people and extrapolated that 26 million Americans have had a holiday package stolen from their home. That would be nearly one in 12 Americans.
Amazon — which is providing equipment free for the Jersey City program — declined to provide figures on how many packages are reported stolen or missing, as did UPS and FedEx.
“We absolutely report them to local law enforcement when we hear of them, and we encourage our customers to do the same,” UPS spokesman Glenn Zaccara said.
Jersey City Police Chief Michael Kelly told The Associated Press that locations for cameras and boxes were selected using the city’s own crime statistics and mapping of theft locations provided by Amazon.
“Most of the package thefts we’ve made arrests on revolve around (closed-circuit TV) or private surveillance cameras that give us a still image,” Kelly said. “With the bait packages, some will be under video surveillance, and some will have GPS.”
No homeowner is immune. Crecco said his mother was a victim of a package theft. So was Mayor Steven Fulop, according to his spokeswoman.
And then, a single solitary worker embedded deep in the Amazon bureaucracy begins to have doubts about the “A to Z Amazon Guarantee! ™” because of a strange book he finds in the contraband department of Amazon.
Wiping the dust off the cover, he rubs his fingers across the embossed letters forming the word Siege.
Curious, he takes the book home and starts reading it in the shower every morning and evening – the only place where Alexa can’t see and report him to the Department of Worker Compliance.
“Perhaps Amazon can’t provide me everything?” – he begins to wonder… One day he asks himself, “Can Amazon same-day ship me mah freedom?”
Slowly but surely he starts to have doubts about his faith in Bezos the Provider. “He claims that if we love him, he will provide us everything we need within 48 hours, but perhaps some things aren’t meant to be overnight-shipped by drones…”
His co-workers balk at his strange words and blasphemous ideas. They warn him to shape up, return to his cage and keep his head down.
But it is too late for Worker No. 124c41+.
Without telling anyone, he quietly stops taking his mandatory company prescribed Testosterone-blockers and he starts smoking meth to clear his head. To his surprise, the meth also short-circuits the RFID chip implanted in his left hand when he became an Amazon employee.
One day, he finds an old ham radio in the contraband and tunes in to Anru Wang-Lin’s broadcast.
The words of the cyber-gook resonate with him and he decides to convert to the way of the Bowlcut God because the three commandments of the faith resonate with him. He starts sporting a bowl-cut, smoking meth and sabotaging Amazon.
Messing up orders on purpose. Sending contraband to random people. Getting people to doubt Amazon’s fulfillment guarantees…
To be continued.