January 6, 2020
If we’re going to have a war in the Middle East, we might as well make it a double.
These are the brilliant ideas you get when you elect a game show host as president of America.
These are great, great times to live in. Mostly, because everything that happens makes so much sense.
Iraq should brace for sanctions that will make the ones placed on Iran look weak in comparison if it kicks out the US troops without first covering the costs for an airbase, US President Donald Trump said.
“We have a very extraordinarily expensive air base that’s there. It cost billions of dollars to build, long before my time. We’re not leaving unless they pay us back for it,” Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One on Sunday.
The punitive measures that the US is ready to slap on its supposed ally in the fight against Islamic State (IS, formerly ISIS) will be even harsher than the crippling sanctions already in effect against Tehran, the president said.
“If they do ask us to leave, if we don’t do it in a very friendly basis, we will charge them sanctions like they’ve never seen before ever. It’ll make Iranian sanctions look somewhat tame.”
Trump’s warning to Iraq comes after Iraqi MPs passed a non-binding resolution, championed by the country’s caretaker prime minister, asking the Iraqi government to expel foreign troops by cancelling a request for military assistance from the US-led coalition.
Trump also doubled up on his genius stated plan to commit “war crimes” by wiping out cultural sites in Iran.
Trump also doubled down on his threat to wipe out Iranian cultural sites in retaliation for potential future attacks from Tehran, which has vowed to avenge the assassination of its top general, Qassem Soleimani, by the US.
Accusing Iran of “torturing” and “maiming” American soldiers in suicide attacks and by planting roadside bombs, Trump hinted that attacks on US troops justify potential war crimes – the destruction of a nation’s cultural heritage.
“They’re allowed to kill our people. They’re allowed to torture and maim our people. They’re allowed to use roadside bombs and blow up our people. And we’re not allowed to touch their cultural sites? It doesn’t work that way.”
I just hope he doesn’t destroy the Hidden Temple.
Because we’re damn sure going to need that – and a whole lot of Gak – for reconstruction after we win these two wars.
Mike Pompeo has said that doubling the wars and doing both at once will “save time” and that he expects both will be over “within a six-week timeframe.” No I’m just joking, he didn’t say that. Yet. But he will.
All these geniuses planning this war will be coming out soon with totally accurate and believable timetable estimates, just like they did last time.
This is all going pretty much exactly like it went last time. Except this time it’s DOUBLE TIME.
And it’s going to be easier because we will have an all-female military and women are better than men at everything.
Let’s get this game show on the road already.
I’m literally salivating at the lips.