October 24, 2018
Brace yourselves for some bad news.
If there’s one thing this world doesn’t need more of, it’s Schumers.
We already have too many of them.
Chuck “The Claw” Schumer.
Chuck’s cousin, Amy “Miss Piggy” Schumer.
And now, I’m pained to learn that a third Schumer will be born into this world. 😭
This is a dark day.
The I Feel Pretty actress is expecting her first child with her husband, Chris Fischer. Schumer shared the exciting baby news on friend Jessica Yellin’s Instagram, by writing “I’m pregnant—Amy Schumer” on a list of her candidate recommendation’s for voters for the upcoming midterm elections. Yellin captioned the video on her story, “@amyschumer Getting Out the Vote, and Something Else.”
Amy teased her followers with the shocking reveal on her Instagram by sharing a silly photo of her and Chris’ face photo-shopped onto the bodies of Prince Harryand a pregnant Meghan Markle. Schumer wrote, “About to announce some exciting news on @jessicayellin insta page. Please follow her for up to the minute #newsnotnoise she breaks down what’s really going on. She agreed to post a lil noise today for me! Follow her and VOTE!!”
The most sickening thing of all is that while the entire world is anguished by the prospect of this new, unexpected Schumer, Amy is making light of our pain with whimsical online media posts.
Read the mood, you dumb bitch. This is no time to be making jokes.
And in a statement to The Times, Schumer joked, “Chris and I are thrilled and almost positive he’s the father. I look forward to competing with Markle every step of the way.”
The happy announcement comes nearly eight months after the 37-year-old comedian married the 38-year-old chef in a surprise ceremony in Malibu.
And Chris Fischer – what a traitor. As far as I can tell, he’s a goy – he was raised on a farm, which as far as I can know no Jew has ever tended in all of the world’s history. Also, this Jew whines that Amy didn’t marry another Jew.
This is a real kick in the gut.
The only thing allowing me to sleep at night was the firm conviction that Amy Schumer would never reproduce, being a fat empowered skank who don’t need no man.
But then good goy Chris Fischer comes in and actually marries this bitch – who, by the way, is not funny.
And to top it all off, he gets her preggo.
This is a disaster.
It just goes to show that even Jew women get that urge to pop out a single justification for their existence when they hit their thirties. She’s 37, so the kid will probably be autistic.
I hope it has Down Syndrome.