May 25, 2018
Wait – you’re telling me this is the picture after the “alleged” photoshop job?
This is some mind-bending shit right there.
I was previously under the impression that a fat girl looked something like this:
While a morbidly obese girl looked more like this:
Burn my eyes with acid, I can’t take this!
But this bitch Rebel Wilson – wow.
I didn’t know it was physically possible for a human being to be this fat.
We’re reaching the twinkie singularity, here, folks.
I had long relegated such a beast to the realm of fantasy or science fiction.
Dune’s Baron Harkonnen had to be infected by some Bene Gesserit poison to get this fat. He couldn’t manage it with twinkies alone.
Australians, for some twisted reason which probably involves a lot of alcohol – heaps of brews, m8 – decided it would be funny to have this vile creature pose for the cover of a magazine.
They presumably then had to hire numerous special effects artists to touch up the resulting pictures to the point where they could legally publish them without being held on trial for crimes against humanity.
And yet, the whale insists that no such trickery is afoot.
Rebel Wilson is defending her Vogue Australia cover after a fan claimed it was Photoshopped to make the actress appear thinner.
Nigga, that’s like saying some dude “claimed” that water is wet.
Have you seen this bitch?
“YES!”? More like “NO!”
“They altered the photo. Look at her face and hands. Slimmed down,” the fan tweeted. “Why can’t they just show her in her natural beauty.”
As it turns out, the only alterations were made by Wilson herself in real life.
“Nope, not slimmed down! I just ate healthy and exercised for the month before the shoot x but then immediately after ate brownies!” she tweeted in response.
If the she-elephant had the self control to “eat healthy and exercise,” we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
This is like some crackho saying she now has nice teeth because she “just stopped smokin’ crack for three month, teehee!”
No one is buying it.
The “Pitch Perfect 3” star also shared an additional image from the shoot, one that hadn’t been through photo editors’ hands yet.
“Oh and just so you can see the raw v’s the magazine shot, I took a monitor photo myself on the day of the shoot,” Wilson wrote. “So please don’t carry on that these shots are heavily photoshopped because they’re not!”
Oh and just so you can see the raw v’s the magazine shot, I took a monitor photo myself on the day of the shoot! So please don’t carry on that these shots are heavily photoshopped because they’re not! pic.twitter.com/7DcgO4hZ3a
— Rebel Wilson (@RebelWilson) May 22, 2018
Maybe the photographer’s camera has a special lens that can bend space-time into a different continuum where you didn’t eat an entire vat of cookie dough every morning for breakfast.
But Occam’s razor tells me there’s a different explanation for this.
Something that either relies on advanced image manipulation technology, or state of the art makeup techniques and clever manipulation of light and angles.
Under the right lighting and with the right camera angles, even Jabba the Hut could almost pass for human. Almost.
I guess this will remain a mystery forever.
Or, you know, until the next time this skank makes a camera appearance.