August 25, 2019
Lindsey Vonn seems to be under the misconception that bestiality is legal in the United States. Her future husband looks like a creature that you’d expect to find in a cage at the San Diego Zoo.
Former Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn has just announced that she is now engaged to a skating monkey named P.K. Subban.
Lindsey Vonn and her hockey player beau are taking things to the next level!
Vonn, 34, and boyfriend P.K. Subban, 30, are engaged, PEOPLE confirms.
The Olympic gold medalist, who retired from professional skiing this year after a storied career that saw a record number of World Cup wins, has dated Subban, a defenseman on the New Jersey Devils, since early 2018.
Rumblings of a romance began when Vonn was spotted at a Nashville Predators — Subban’s former team — game in April of last year. The pair made their relationship red carpet official at the CMT Music Awards in June 2018.
“They’re in that beginning stage of a relationship where you can’t get enough of each other,” a source told PEOPLE of Vonn and Subban’s then-blossoming relationship.
I get that it is rare to find a monkey that is able to skate, let alone a monkey who can play hockey, but this is completely ridiculous. Just because you find a monkey who has some unique qualities does not change the fact that it is still a monkey.
Lindsey Vonn with her ex-husband Thomas Vonn.
Vonn originally married a normal-looking human male but divorced him because being with a normal-looking human male was not exciting enough for her. She desired something more, and that more consisted of her fornicating with monkeys.
Prior to her engagement to this particular monkey, she dated Tiger Woods, a half-monkey hybrid.
Lindsey Vonn with Tiger Woods.
But Woods wasn’t monkey enough for her, which is why she has since gone full-monkey and her future husband is certainly just that. Just look at him. He looks like a character from the original Planet of the Apes movies.
This is what happens when women are given freedom. They choose to divorce their human husbands so they can engage in bestiality.
Talk about sick and depraved. Looks like Vonn will just have to learn the hard way. She’ll pay the toll one way or the other, that much is certain.