July 11, 2018
A few weeks ago, tragedy befell a black family from New Orleans. 18-year-old Renard Matthews, who intended to become either a neurosurgeon or a rapper depending on which one paid the best, was shot to death by an unarmed black teen.
Determined to preserve their son’s memory for posterity, Renard’s family decided to embalm his corpse in his favorite position: slouched in front of the television holding his beloved video game controller!
A family whose teenage son died honored his memory in an unusual wake: His corpse was positioned in a chair facing a television screen, a video game controller in hand and his favorite snacks next to him.
Renard Matthews, 18, of New Orleans, La., was robbed and shot to death on the evening of June 25 while walking his dog. Matthews, whom a neighbor described as “a nice young man,” loved football and basketball; his favorite athlete was Celtics guard Kyrie Irving, his mother, Temeka, told a local news station, WGNO. On Sunday, his wake presented a faithful reflection of his low-key lifestyle. The family had Matthews embalmed and placed in a stance that was typical for him. He was seated in a chair, wearing an Irving jersey and sunglasses, with a PlayStation controller in his hand, facing a television playing the Celtics. He was flanked by Doritos and soda.
Now, before you get depressed at the news of his passing, here’s something you need to know: despite dying at a tragically young age, Renard Matthews led a richer and more fulfilling life than all of us put together!
Don’t believe me?
The photo evidence speaks for itself…
Having had a lifelong fascination with outer space, which he memorably described as being “bigger than my momma’s ass and twice as black,” Renard finally managed to fulfill his dream of space travel when NASA selected him to aid their “Can Chimpanzees Survive in Space?” project. The title of that project always confused Renard, however, as the shuttle only contained him and two white astronauts.
Renard loved to laugh, and no one made him laugh harder than Conan O’Brien. So when Conan invited Renard to accompany him on an all-inclusive trip to Haiti, Renard accepted the offer without hesitation. But after learning that Conan just wanted to use his head as a mobile drink stand, Renard realized he’d made a big mistake.
Yep, Renard was there, in that room, when Donald J. Trump and team realized they’d won the 2016 presidential election. What’s really going to blow your mind, though, is that Trump & co weren’t watching the election results in that photo at all. They were watching Renard play Dark Souls on the hardest difficulty – and he’d just defeated the final boss.
Despite being black, Renard sympathized with the Alt-Right and was disgusted by Europe’s open borders policy. Here he is steering a boatload of Syrian children away from the shores of Italy. Their new destination? Tel Aviv, Israel.
Due to his possession of a secret vibranium-powered time machine, Renard got to meet some of history’s greatest statesmen. Here we can see him playing Mario Kart 64 with none other than Adolf Hitler, a man who Renard came to regard as his “brutha from another mother” and who he confirmed “literally dindu nuffin wrong.”
So, there you have it. Given Renard’s awe-inspiring accomplishments, I think we can all appreciate why his family would choose to immortalize him after his untimely death.
He really did represent the fulfillment of the American dream!