July 16, 2019
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Word to the wise: don’t flush your meth down the toilet.
That’s the warning coming out of the Loretta Police Department in Tennessee after investigators said they caught someone “attempting to flush methamphetamine along with several items of paraphernalia” on Saturday.
The department advised against disposing of drugs, including pills, via the sewage because “when you send something down the sewer pipe it ends up in our retention ponds for processing before it is sent down stream.”
“Our sewer guys take great pride in releasing water that is cleaner than what is in the creek,” police said, “but they are not really prepared for meth.”
I don’t think anyone is really prepared for meth. Some people think they are, but they’re in for a rude awakening.
“Not really prepared for meth” is a great tagline by the way. I should add it to my Tinder bio because it’s clever, but also funny and true.
But in addition to birds, officials said if the water headed far enough downstream… “it would create meth-gators in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama.”
Here’s an idea: what if we just took the gators to the Rio Grande, fed them meth and then just sat back and watched the show?
Gators are actually like nature’s Antifa if you think about it. See, they get high on meth, viciously maul people and the police can’t arrest them – because the Reptilian Occupation Government won’t let them. At the worst, they just hold them in a tank for a few days and then release them into the wilds of Florida, where the locals don’t seem to mind.
Besides, gators take to the drug like cats do to cardboard boxes.
Once they’re hooked, they’ll be unstoppable tweaked-out killing machines.
So I say we let the gators do the heavy lifting for us. Though they are reptiles and by default our sworn enemies, they also enjoy tearing up wetbacks while high on meth, so at least we have that in common. To that end, I propose we put aside our mammal in-group preference for the moment and make an alliance with the gators.
If this plan works, we can also try siccing them on pit bulls and pit bull owners next.
Imagine something like this, but with a pit bull instead.
The Gator-Right is going places, fam.
I just wonder if we’ll have enough meth to pull this off…