New York Times
June 3, 2018
The special counsel appointed by the Justice Department to investigate President Trump’s connections with Russia is now looking into claims that Donald Trump defecated from a 30th story window in mid-town Manhattan in 1997, the Times has learned.
Sources close to the investigation revealed to the Times that Robert Mueller’s team learned of the toxic discharge of bodily waste by the President from an unnamed woman who lived in the building at the time, who the team contacted after reading her post about it on Reddit. The Times was able to confirm that in the early morning hours of August 12, 1997, a high velocity load of feces hit the sidewalk on West 44th Street.
The President, then a New York real estate magnate, allegedly committed the act upon being dared to do so by a Kremlin-linked Russian pizza delivery boy, who the Times can reveal is named Dimitri Volvokov.
Trump had ordered a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese from Domino’s, while he was meeting with an interior designer in a penthouse in the 44th Street apartment block. Mr. Volvokov had several other pizzas in his bag which were to be delivered to other residences in the area. Trump asked if he could buy those too, as he was hungrier then than when he had placed the order, and this is when the Russian prompted him to “take a shit out that window” in exchange for the other two pizzas. Trump, who is infamously brazen, took the challenge.
Mr. Volvokov is now 56 and living in Long Island, working as a refrigerator repairperson. His home was raided in the early morning hours of Tuesday by the FBI, who seized two laptops, three cellular phones and shot his dog. A neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, looked out the window after hearing the gunshots, and saw Volvokov being led out of his home in handcuffs, completely naked. She noted that he was uncircumcised.
The FBI confirmed to the Times that they have Mr. Volvokov in custody, but declined to comment further.
It is unclear whether or not Mr. Volvokov has a lawyer.
A common technique of the Russian FSB (formerly the KGB) is to obtain compromising information, which they call kompromat, on powerful individuals which they can then use as leverage against them. Experts speculate that the Russian pizza boy could have dared Trump to empty his bowels out the window and surreptitiously filmed the act, which would serve as a powerful tool of Russian manipulation of the man who is now President of the United States.
“Sending in a pizza delivery boy to trick you into taking a crap out of a high-story window is straight out of the Kremlin playbook,” says Adam Berinsky, a political science professor at MIT.
“[Boris] Yeltsin was leading Russia at that time, and using a pizza boy to dare a prominent or powerful man to poop out a window while secretly being filmed was one of his personal favorite tricks,” he added. “It was called ‘the Yeltsin Crap-Trap,’ and is still used by Russian intelligence today.”
The Times spoke with Sheeba Jenkins, a public sanitation official who was charged with clearing the feces from the street.
“I will never forget that day. You simply cannot begin to imagine the impact that a turd makes on a sidewalk when dropped from those heights. Whoever took that shit musta been snackin down on some Nutty Buddies too, I’ll tell you that. It took four of my best men to clean that mess up.” Ms. Jenkins was less than shocked to hear President Trump may have been behind the mess, “The police never caught the guy, but I ain’t surprised to hear 45 don’t like to use no toilet. He think he own this town, he think he can shit where he like. Well, we’ll see about that.”
The White House declined to comment, saying simply that they don’t comment on Reddit posts. Politifact gives Reddit a rating of “mostly true,” indicating that the majority of what is posted on the website is factually accurate.
Several politicians expressed shock and outrage at the news that Trump may have defecated out of a 30 story window.
“This is a shocking outrage,” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told the Times. “If there is any truth at all to this story, then the Russia probe will be vindicated, and the Republicans will look like the liars and fools that they are for having called for an end to this investigation of a Russian attack on our democracy.”
Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE) told the Times that “taking a dump out of a high rise window does not represent the values of America, it doesn’t represent conservative principles. If the President took this dump, he needs to come clean.”
Ironically, the strict “broken window” policies of then New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who now serves as counsel to the President, removed the statute of limitations on pooping out of high-rise buildings.
Current Mayor Bill De Blasio told the times that “if the President took this dump, then he will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
The fine for a first offense public defecation is $25.
However, Mayor Giuliani claims that as President, Mr. Trump is exempt from prosecution.
“You can’t prosecute the President for murder, you can’t prosecute him for taking a dump out a window. You can impeach him, then you can do what you want, but you can’t prosecute him as President. Are we going to impeach the President for taking a dump out a window 20 years ago? The Democrats can try, but I don’t see it. I just don’t see that working,” Mr. Giuliani told the Times.
However, Sen. Schumer made it very clear that he would seek impeachment if Trump was proven to have emptied his bowels on a New York street.
“Absolutely, we will impeach,” he said. “We simply cannot trust a man who is going to drop a load out a high-rise window to protect the integrity of our democracy, especially when this dropped load has a direct connection to Vladimir Putin and the KGB.”
The revelation of the high-rise bowel movement has put new energy into the Mueller probe, which has been under congressional scrutiny recently, coming to a head last week when Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was called to testify before Congress on the status of the investigation.
Mr. Rosenstein refused to comment on the specifics of the public defecation itself, but told the Times that he did feel somewhat vindicated by the revelation, and hoped that the American people would now be made to realize just how important it is that Robert Mueller be allowed to get to the bottom of the Russian conspiracy to meddle in our democracy.