May 8, 2019
His career was cut short by a racist heart attack
Now you know why every gamer you’ve ever met in real life is so dumb – all the smart, creative, pyramid-building ones end up in jail because of hatred for the color of the skin.
An inmate weighing 320lbs was caught trying to sneak a 24-inch machete into prison tucked into the rolls of his belly fat.
(For those of us who live in the civilized world, 320lbs is around 145kg, and 24 inches is around 60cm.)
Freddrick Johnson, 30, from Tennessee, was foiled by police while being booked into a Memphis jail after an officer felt both sides of the weapon protruding from the side of his belly – despite Johnson having already gone through a metal detector.
Yo mama so fat metal detectors can’t find the machete she hid in her fat rolls!
Clinically obese Johnson, who was arrested in December for aggravated criminal trespass at a bus station, was already on probation for other weapon offenses when he was found to be carrying two folding knives, a taser, and drugs.
He was subsequently sent to jail where an affidavit says that he was busted trying to sneak the deadly weapon inside.
I don’t know how you trespass at a bus station (aren’t those public spaces?), but it certainly sounds like the kind of crime a gamer would commit.
After the 6ft 2ins man passed through metal detectors inside the lockup, he was patted down by jail personnel who ‘located an unknown object that had previously been tucked deep underneath a large fat roll.’
During initial searches of Johnson, the fat roll ‘appeared and felt to the touch to be a continuous piece of flesh.’
But when officers conducted a deeper search of his body, they felt an ‘an object of a semi-erect nature which protruded to the left of his person consistent with male genitalia.’
Whatever the security guards in America are getting paid, it’s nowhere near enough.
I hope they at least give them gloves tho.
Johnson told officers that they had felt his penis but when the search found a similar object on the other side, he again claimed they had felt his penis.
That’s really the best you could come up with, huh?
Guess I was wrong to think he’s one of the smarter ones. This is clearly not a mistake a Wakandan-tier gamer would make.
Investigators ‘became immediately suspicious of a concealed weapon’ and told Johnson he would be subjected to a strip search – at which point the inmate revealed he had the deadly weapon wrapped in a pair of basketball shorts between belly rolls.
‘While the possibility of the male member protruding in two different cardinal directions exists,’ Officer C. White wrote, ‘the likelihood of such an ailment and the laterally symmetrical nature of the object itself, indicated to officers that a large object such as a pipe or club must be present.’
The affidavit said that police extracted an ‘approximately 24-inch machete wrapped with a pair of gym shorts that had been so deeply tucked into and covered by, a fat roll that metal detection screenings did not reveal its presence prior to his entering the detention area.’
Also – machetes are terrible weapons to fight with, especially in a small, crowded area like a prison.
This stupid gamer might’ve actually pulled this off with a pocket knife, which would also have been more useful given the conditions.
So don’t be a gamer. A knife, with some minimal training and common sense, will always beat the machete.
This is your minimal training and common sense