May 1, 2015
Western medicine doesn’t even come close to scratching the Duco of the ancient mysterious properties of the mystical healing powers of the oriental physician.
A seven-year-old kid discovered this ineffable pearl of wisdom when he underwent a secret ancient remedy to cure him of diabetes thanks to his genius folks who decided to give scatterbrained western medicine a wide berth in favor of the tried and trusty Asian methods of boiling tiger testicles and sipping on shark fin soup.
The parents of half-Asian seven-year-old Aidan Fenton- signed their little battler up for an $1800 week-long alternative therapy workshop in the Chinese-controlled Sydney suburb of Hurstville, which most Aussies require a passport to visit. It would turn out to be money really well spent from the point of view of the therapist, who used to it buy a plane ticket and flee the country as soon as the whole thing went pear-shaped. See, the inscrutable boffin managed to not only cure the little champ of his insufferable diabetes, but the actual life that caused it to begin with.
Hongchi Xiao, who’s aged anywhere between fifty and a hundred, has made a nice little earner teaching seminars on the Chinese therapy of Paida and Lajin to morons who’d be better of using their money to wipe their asses with. It seems there is no shortage of western idiots willing to fork out their readies for scams that are so blatantly on the glaring side of harebrained, that it’s probably a better idea to simply transfer whatever monies they have directly to the closest fiddle artist in their area.
This transcendental oriental method of dispensing wastes and toxins from the body might owe some of its science to Monty Python had it not been developed much earlier than the aforementioned fish-slapping sketch that it appears to be based on. See, this so-called therapy involves slapping the patient around like a bad debtor in the backroom of a Las Vegas casino until all those nasty poisons decide they’ve had enough and flee the body. It’s the equivalent of trying to fix a faltering motor vehicle by beating it with a sledge hammer.
Of course, anybody who’d bothered to look up the record of this slap-happy slopehead quack would’ve discovered that back in 2011 he was fined $1600 US and kicked out of Taiwan for violating medical practices.
But how were the Fenton family, a shining product of a multicultural society that teaches us to be in awe of the magic of Chinese wisdom and alternative medicine, to have any idea their son would end up going into convulsions and spewing his guts up all over the floor of the Hurstville center where he ended up croaking?
It must’ve seemed like a one-in-a-million shot given that beating the shit out of someone is the most logical pathway to improving someone’s health.
As for Hongchi, the police are looking into him, but good luck – he’s no doubt off peddling his voodoo elsewhere and getting a nice rub and tug at a gook whorehouse on the spare change from the Fenton’s medical expenses.