October 7, 2018
With Kavanaugh confirmed, the Supreme Court is expected to rule in favor of federally legalizing the rape of women in America as early as next week.
Here’s five facts you need to know.
1. Rape Will Still be Illegal in Some Public Areas
Though the legalization of rape is a dream come true for all straight white men in America, this isn’t going to be a total free for all – there are certain public areas where you will not be allowed to rape women.
Strictly speaking, this will be vaguely defined as “any public place where the act of rape could likely disturb the peace.”
However, you will be allowed to capture loose women using drugs, traps, lassos, tranquilizer darts or other methods and carry them off to a secluded place to perform the rape.
In many cases, this will be as simple as driving up next to a woman jogging, wrapping her with duct tape, tossing her in the trunk and taking her to your home’s rape room.
Under the new ruling, states may be obligated to provide public rape rooms for men who are driving around in their car with a kidnapped woman in the trunk and due to whatever circumstance cannot rape them in their home.
Dan T. Cathy, the CEO of the conservative chicken restaurant Chick-Fil-A, has stated that he is going to outfit all of his stores with soundproof rape rooms where men can get their business done without disturbing other customers.
A smartphone app called “Rape Warrior” has been released, which can be used to find a nearby spot to rape a woman whom you’ve kidnapped. The app also has a “hunting grounds” feature which will help men identify local areas where they are likely to find young, nubile women to rape.
Some states, such as Vermont, have already announced that they will be putting up “rape free zone” signs at schools and government buildings. However, Justice Kavanaugh has stated that these signs would violate the Constitution, and he will rule to ban them if they are brought before his court.
2. If You Break Her Bones or Bust Out Her Teeth, You Could Face a Fine for Damaging Public Property
The core of the upcoming ruling is that all women are the collective property of all men. As your property, you can do with them as you will, but as they are also the property of the general public, you are obligated not to damage them.
Similar to the way you can picnic in a public park but can’t dump trash there, though you will be allowed to rape women, you can’t damage their bodies beyond “legitimately reasonable amounts of bruising and scraping.”
Though the fines will be determined by state authorities rather than the federal government, experts predict that fines for breaking bones and busting out teeth of your rape targets will range from $50 to $100. However, if you kill her – whether on purpose or by accident – you could face a whomping fine as high as a $400 in some states.
3. Long-Term Kidnapping will Still be Illegal
Even if you take a fancy to a woman you’ve raped, you can’t just decide to lock her in your basement for future use.
Though you will be permitted to drug and abduct women, or to lure them into traps, you are required to dump them on a public street within 48 hours after the initial capture.
Similar to the way you can picnic in a public park but can’t build a house there, though you will be allowed to kidnap women, you can’t keep them forever as this would deprive the rest of the male population of their right to rape.
4. Women Will Legally Be Allowed to Run, But Will Not be Permitted to Hide
The new law will contain a “you can run, but you can’t hide” clause, stipulating that if a woman is able to run away from you successfully, she will face no penalty. However, if she attempts to hide from you while you are stalking her for the purposes of rape, she may be subjected to a public flogging.
Additionally, if you are so weak that the woman you are trying to rape is able to beat you off, she has committed no crime.
This will likely ensure that only men who are fast, strong and clever are able to rape and inseminate women. It will also ensure that women who do not want to be raped by slow men stay physically fit.
5. If the Rape Results in Pregnancy, She Can’t Abort It and You Don’t Have to Pay Anything
Along with legalizing rape, Justice Kavanaugh has declared that he will also completely ban abortion under all circumstances and abolish child support laws. These additional rulings are expected as soon next week.
This will mean that you have no obligation to pay for the bastard children you create on your rape-rampage, as Justice Kavanaugh has stated that “the Constitution clearly states that men cannot be held responsible for any consequences of their primal sexual drives.”
Justice Kavanaugh also plans to abolish all forms of government benefits, and when asked how women will feed their bastard rape-babies, he replied: “it is the order of nature that only the strong will survive.”