January 4, 2020
Look. I’ve been the number one person bitching about Trump and his Jews trying to start a war with Iran.
But I’m going to tell you right now: if Trump had Qasem Soleimani killed, and then came out and said “I had to do it, his memes were just too shitty, and America won’t tolerate shitty, Reddit-tier memes – we just can’t do it,” then I would be the number one guy celebrating it.
Just on every level, that would have been so, so very much better than sending that Violet Beauregarde Mike Pompeo out there to spew some gibberish about how he was planning an attack.
Trump could have just gone on TV himself and said “we had intelligence showing that Soleimani was planning to post more Reddit memes on Twitter.com, so we had to act fast to prevent this from happening.”
International experts have long known of Soleimani as the leader of Iran’s elite Quds Force and the shadow commander of proxy conflicts across the Middle East, but many Americans first heard of the general in 2018, when he started arguing with Trump via memes on Instagram.
The Trump administration was engaged that year in a pressure campaign against Iran, whose president, Hassan Rouhani, warned in July that “America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars”.
“To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE,” he wrote on Twitter in all capitals.
A few days later, Soleimani stepped in to defend Rouhani.
“It is not in our president’s dignity to respond to you,” he told Trump via Iran’s Tamsin news agency.
“If you begin the war, we will end the war. You know that this war will destroy all that you possess.”
That same month, the general shared with his nearly 70,000 Instagram followers an image of the White House exploding, which was later archived by the Middle East Media Research Institute.
The poster appeared to have been taken from the 2013 film Olympus Has Fallen, and doctored so that Soleimani stands in front of the inferno with a walkie-talkie in his hand.
In his own Hollywood riff in November 2018, Trump tweeted a poster of himself posing heroically against a Game of Thrones-style background and play on the show’s “Winter is coming” tagline: “SANCTIONS ARE COMING.”
Trump didn’t address Soleimani specifically, and it’s unclear whether he was intentionally mimicking the general’s meme, but Soleimani responded in kind a day later.
Look, I’m not happy with Trump.
But his meme is just better and in fact, Soleimani’s meme is not good at all.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 2, 2018
Commander of the Islamic Revolution Guards Corps (#IRGC) #Quds Force Major General Qassem Soleimani responded to #US President Donald Trump’s announcement that ‘sanctions are coming’ with a Game of Thrones-inspired meme of his ownhttps://t.co/336UFrTL8E pic.twitter.com/5uh1qtQPMB
— Tasnim News Agency (@Tasnimnews_EN) November 3, 2018
There is no “I will stand against you” meme in Game of Thrones. That meme simply isn’t good. He might as well have posted Ugandan Knuckles.
What I would have done is posted Al Franken grabbing Ivanka’s fake titties while she wore her nipples shirt and written “mommy gib milkies.”
This works: it points out that the US is controlled by Jews and that Trump’s daughter is a whore, both of which are humiliating. Also, the “mommy” part reminds everyone that Ivanka’s children – Trump’s grandchildren – are Jews like Franken.
The White House meme also sucks.
Trump could have easily gotten away with assassinating someone over bad memes.
After killing Soleimani, he could have just started bombing Reddit mods and declared “a global war on shit-tier memes.”
“The United States will no longer stand for this Reddit garbage that is polluting our internets with cringe, and filling our tubes with Rick and Morty crap. As chief executive, I have ordered our military to take whatever actions are necessary to completely exterminate the threat of Reddit memes. We have begun with Soleimani, but we will now begin assassinating people who post Reddit garbage on /pol/. I’ve assembled a crack team of autistic NEETs who are prepared to locate the key vectors of these shitty memes, and our brave drone-controllers will deal with them accordingly,” he could have said.
Then we could have that whole debate that we had in the 00s when George Bush declared “war on terror” about whether you can actually declare war on a concept instead of a group. Except it would actually be important and something that matters to Americans.
Jewish lawyers would be all like “the Constitution does not give the president the authority to target Reddit memes!” and Trump could be like, “yes. it does.”
Shitty Reddit memes are a clear and present danger, and the time has come for people who post these shitty memes I keep seeing everywhere to pay the ultimate price.