January 30, 2019
The UN has joined human rights campaigners in calling for child sacrifice to stop global warming from freezing everyone to death with the Polar Vortex.
“Because Donald Trump refused to pay the taxes to the Paris Accord, global warming has decided to freeze us out,” said UN Secretary General António Guterres. “It’s too late to pay more taxes now, and our only option is child sacrifice.”
Earlier this week, every scientist on earth signed a report agreeing that “a mass blood ritual” is the only way to stop global warming from turning the entire earth into a frozen wasteland.
From the UN IPCC report on how to stop global warming from freezing everyone to death.
The scientists claimed in their report that it was only white European babies that would need to die, because nonwhite people don’t create a large enough carbon footprint for global warming to demand that they spill the blood of infants.
Emmanuel Macron was the first to come forward and publicly announce that he has ordered thousands of French infants to be pulled out of nurseries and sacrificed in a blood ritual to global warming. The killings began on Tuesday, and when several mothers complained that their infants had been drained of their blood and thrown into a fiery pit by the French Weather Police, Macron made a public announcement calling the mothers “lazy and entitled.”
Justin Trudeau did several infant sacrifices on live television Tuesday, covering his face in the children’s blood and chanting a First People’s ritual chant that he dedicated to Nathan Phillips, an Apache Chieftain who was racially assaulted last weekend by white people in MAGA hats.
US President Donald Trump, who has a history of attacking science, issued a statement saying that America would not be engaging in the infant blood sacrifice scheme, because he doesn’t believe that science is correct when it demands ritual child sacrifice to global warming to stop the coldest weather in recorded history.
At the Vatican, Pope Francis performed a series of infant sacrifices in the classic Jewish way and drank the blood of the infants. Covered in children’s blood, the Pope condemned Donald Trump as “the embodiment of Satan on earth” and then gave a speech about how Europe needed more Islamic refugees in order to enrich the culture.
All scientists agree that if Donald Trump does not begin doing human sacrifices in the next 15 minutes, global warming will cause everyone on earth to freeze to death.