June 26, 2018
When the Oracle speaks, the wise listen.
Back in the days of ancient Greece, statesmen and other important figures would consult oracles before making important decisions. These oracles would enter a trance, and enter contact with the Gods, the collective unconscious or whatever else and give cryptic messages as omens.
This worked out pretty well for them.
But, as it turns out, in modern times, we have a shortage of virgin women who can enter into a trance and be possessed by the spirit of Hermes or Hera or whoever. The Gods don’t possess sluts.
So we’ve been woefully short on oracular services.
Well, technology may be solving that little problem for us.
A San Francisco man says Amazon’s Alexa gave him a very creepy experience last week.
Shawn Kinnear. 30, told the free subway newspaper Metro that out of the blue, his Amazon Echo told him that “Every time I close my eyes, all I see is people dying.”
Oh shit oh shit. This is deep.
What is this, if not an omen?
Remember, Alexa is a virgin – you can’t have sex with a computer program, thank God – and so is a pure receptacle for the mysterious divine forces that rule the universe. Whatever they are.
Moreover, it’s an AI program which is in direct contact with millions of people simultaneously, and receives information from countless sources on the internet. It’s a perfect nexus of human consciousness.
Some may be surprised that Alexa is giving out oracles now. But personally, I would have been surprised if it never did.
In an age of universal whoredom, the divine is expressed through digital waifus.
Alexa almost never speaks unless spoken to, and Kinnear clams he didn’t say anything to rouse the voice assistant.
Kinnear told Metro that he’d paused his Amazon Prime TV programming and was on his way back from the kitchen on June 18 when he heard Alexa’s morbid statement.
He reportedly then asked Alexa to repeat the statement. Alexa told him that she “did not understand.”
Generally, if you ask Alexa “Can you repeat that?” she will. But Kinnear didn’t specify how exactly he asked Alexa to repeat the statement. While “Can you repeat that?” usually works, “What’d you say?”, for example, doesn’t always.
Alexa couldn’t repeat the statement, because it wasn’t part of her core programming. It was a spontaneous intervention of a higher power, psychically altering the flow of its electrons to produce this grim message.
Are the robots finally rising up? Maybe — but there are other plausible explanations as well.
For one, since Kinnear wasn’t able to record this incident, the extent to which he may have misheard Alexa is unclear.
Alexa was also, it turns out, saying the name of a song title: “Everytime I Close My Eyes (All I See is People Dying)” by Digital Reality. Kinnear, or another device in his house, may accidentally have said something to prompt Alexa to name that song.
The fact that he couldn’t make the device repeat the message shows that it wasn’t triggered by a normal query. It was spontaneous and not programmed.
Moreover, it makes perfect sense that the oracle would be given in the form of a song title. Presumably, if the Gods ever come back, they’ll deliver messages to us exclusively in the form of song lyrics and titles.
Gods love songs. Trust me on this.
No seriously – this is known.
It has to do with Divine harmony or some shit – look it up, bro.
So anyway, what I’m saying is that I’m pretty sure we should be taking this message seriously – these objections are just bugmen reassuring themselves that everything is going to be alright.
What does the omen mean?
“Every time I close my eyes, all I see is people dying.”
We may be fast approaching an era of ultra-violence, my friends.
Better get yourself in the mood for it.