August 25, 2018
Sometimes, I think that friendship with Russia would be the easiest fucking thing.
We are literally one Transformers movie away from most Americans being ready to accept Russians as their best pals.
Imagine the scene: Downtown Gotham. The regular Autobot heroes are in trouble, surrounded by the Decepticons and pinned down.
Then all of a sudden, reinforcements come leaping into the frame – a fucking white, red and blue tank firing shells goes off a ramp, lets off a few more rounds mid-air and then starts the whole transformation thing as it barrels for Starscream and dropkicks him into the Wall St. stock exchange.
Here watch this to get into the whole spirit of the movie:
POW! As the smoke clears, the Autobots recognize their long lost friend, Commukon, who abandoned the fight and went underground in Siberia decades ago.
“I’m bek in ze fight!” he says with a thick, guttural robot Russian accent.
The Autobots seize the opportunity and start fighting again with renewed vigor. Working together, Commukon and Optimus start taking down Megatron.
Megatron, however, reveals his secret weapon, a hidden gun turret or something.
Exchanging a quick, but powerful glance, the two hero Autobots spring into action, trusting each other completely. Optimus peels left and Megatron starts aiming his turret at him as he runs between skyscrapers.
“Now I’ve got you!” he says with his metallic voice.
Just as his weapon powers up to 100% though, Commukon appears from behind a skyscraper on the other side of Megatron. He jumps, and everything switches to slow-mo. His shadow alerts Megatron, who starts turning slowly, but it’s too late. Commukon reveals his hidden secret weapon, a rusty scythe-like looking weapon. It cleaves through Megatron’s gun turret at the last second, causing it to explode on Megatron and Commukon.
The shocked onlookers of Gotham are swept up in the blast wave from the explosion.
Optimus Prime approaches the smoldering wreck of Megatron and says something hero-y, “now your reign of terror is over Megatron.”
Megatron coughs and groans and fizzles and lets off sparks in response.
Then Optimus runs over to Commukon, who is lying in the blast crater, wounded. His armor is all rusty and banged up, he isn’t in the best shape, even from before the blast. The blast has revealed an older, blood-red coat of paint, mixed with yellow. But Commukon has clearly opted for a new coat of arms, the white red and blue.
“Old friend,” he begins, but starts hacking and coughing and oil starts pouring out. “Shh,” Optimus interrupts.
But Commukon insists. “I lost my vay, moy frend. But I just hed to hyelp zis time. Von lest tiem.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you, Commukon,” Optimus says. “Everything is going to be alright now.”
Cue swelling music as they clasp hands and Optimus pulls Commukon to his feet, throwing his arm over his shoulder to prop him up as they surveil the ruins of the city and the denizens who haven’t been squished start cheering.
A giant American flag gets unfurled down the entire length of the Empire State building. A cut scene to Moscow, where people are cheering on Commukon in the Red Square as well.
“Now, there shall be peace!” Optimus says to the camera.
So there’s my pitch.
I think that overnight, Russians and Americans would be friends. Maybe not the politicians, but definitely the regular people. That’s literally all it would take. One symbolic Transformers movie, and we’ll have world peace.
Is that too much to ask from Hollywood?