June 2, 2019
A woman has asked Reddit’s “Am I the Asshole?” community if she’s an asshole for telling her husband that she never wants to have sex again 15 years deep into marriage.
My husband and I have been married for about 15 years, dating for much longer. He’s my soulmate and I can’t imagine being with anyone other than him, he feels the same way. I’ve never really enjoyed sex that much, but my husband has an incredibly high sex drive so we used to have sex every other day. I’ve had sex with many partners (upwards of 30) in both relationships and hookups and I’ve just never really enjoyed it. It’s inevitable that you’re going to ask, but yes they can make me orgasm, I just don’t like orgasming with a partner versus orgasming with myself. It just doesn’t feel good to me.
There’s something about sex that I just don’t really like (please don’t say I need therapy, it’s insulting to think that everybody must LOVE sex. I’ve also been to therapy before and we’ve come to the conclusion that it’s mostly just a preference). I also don’t identify as asexual though, because I do get horny and love masturbating, but I find it more of a release if that makes sense? It’s more of an intimate moment with myself. I can try and explain more in the comments if this doesn’t really make sense, but it’s more a nonsexual release and enjoyment of exploring my own body.
As we’ve gotten older with kids we’ve stopped having sex as frequently, two to three times a month at most. He knows I’ve never been a huge fan of sex, but I’ve recently told him that I want to stop having sex. I find it more a chore and I don’t really gain much pleasure from it. He was so hurt and upset saying that I’m going to trap him in a loveless and sexless marriage.
I told him that if he really wanted to have sex with other people, he could have sex with other women, I just wouldn’t wanna know about it. He was so upset and said that I was the only woman he wants to have sex with and that he could never imagine having sex with somebody else. A couple days ago he caught me mastubating (something I do once a day) and he was even more hurt. He said how come you get horny but you don’t want to have sex with me? I tried explaining what I typed above but he got even more hurt. We really love each other and have an amazing relationship aside from this, but he thinks I’m an asshole for making an executive decision about our sex life and trapping him in a lifetime without sex. So AITA for having a preference?
tl;dr have never really liked sex, decided I still want to masturbate but no longer have sex with my husband
edit: everyone seems to think my husband is going to divorce me over this, we’ve discussed it and divorce isn’t even something he’s considering. Redactors are so quick to pull the divorce card when in reality there are so many other aspects to a heathy relationship that can’t be explain in 3000 characters. Our marriage is strong, supportive and loving in many other ways. I don’t feel like we need sex to still love each other
Notice that when talking about sex, she said “I find it more a chore and I don’t really gain much pleasure from it,” implying that she doesn’t find the experience painful or traumatic and that she’s pretty neutral towards it, which means that she’d like to stop doing something that her husband likes and wants just because it isn’t a big deal for her.
Most people replying to her post are calling her an asshole, and with good reason.
Below are some of the best replies. “YTA” means “you are the asshole.”
Flip this into something else. Your husband comes to you one day, and says “Actually honey, I’ve never really enjoyed talking to you. I love you, but talking to you is just a chore. I have decided that we will continue our marriage in all respects, but I am not going to talk to you anymore. We will still hug and have sex and watch movies together and text memes to each other — all other things that are fundamental to a marriage — but no more talking (because surely you would not say that merely talking is the only thing that defines a marriage).”
Would this revelation be a bigass fuckin betrayal and disappointment that you wish he had told you 15 years ago? Would you force him to be reduced to a paid phone chat call center person?
If it’s not part of your idea of what a marriage is, that’s absolutely fine, but this may be the end of your marriage.
Going forward, you might struggle to find someone who wants to share their life and love with you, but who is asexual or shares your idea of what marriage is.
NTA as it’s your body and your right to choose what you do with it.
However there’s a touch of YTA for telling him to go get some on the side rather than offering to separate/divorce so he might have a chance at what he considers a full and loving marriage and all that that entails.
This is fucked up. You can truly love your spouse and be upset that your partner of over a decade is suddenly taking sex off of the table. Thats a massive change in the dynamics of your marriage. Sex isnt a big deal to you and its clearly not a way that you express your love and devotion to your husband, but it is one, if not THE way most people express love physically to their partners.
Acting like hes the asshole for forcing (are you kidding me with that verbiage by the way?) an intimate aspect of your marriage is pretty manipulative. Acting like hes such a dick for desiring a physical relationship with the woman he loves just shows how little youre trying to empathize with your husband.
Theres nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex. Your problem is that you think your husband should be completely fine without a physical relationship, and that hes somehow damaged for needing one with his wife.
This is why I think YTA.
Your husband enjoys sex and obviously believes it’s part of a healthy relationship. To him it’s not a “chore”. Its been a part of your relationship, even if it’s a sacrifice you’ve made, for the last 15 years. He is still with you despite his high sex drive and doesn’t want to leave you/ find other women who will have sex with him.
Meet him half way FFS. Abstaining from sex forever is zero compromise and I think you’re forgetting that you’ll be forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Compromise is huge part of marriage you are missing above. You’re being super hypocritical. You’re allowed to not like sex. You’re allowed to say no to sex. But completing writing off your husbands needs is so, so messed up.
Obviously he’s not going to “force”/rape you, but a lot of people who love their partners want/expect them to do things they don’t enjoy. Maybe it’s dinner with grumpy in-laws, maybe it’s watching movies you think are stupid, maybe it’s having sex you don’t enjoy. Don’t blame him for what he wants, or suggest that he would stop wanting that if he loved you. On the contrary, if you love him, you should want to make him happy, and to pleasure him. This is a complicated issue because yes you have a right to do what you want with your body, and if sex was painful or traumatic for you that would be different, but if you just “don’t enjoy it much” and find it a chore, then you’re being extremely selfish. Chores are part of life, and doing favors/chores for your partner is a pretty basic part of relationships, and this isn’t just any chore, this is one that can bring him pleasure he can’t get on his own.
Imagine that your masturbaion was only possible if your husband was hand-cranking a generator that powered your vibrator, and he knew that you craved those orgasms but instead of enjoying supporting you, he said “this feels like a chore so I don’t want to help you enjoy an orgasm ever again. Go ask someone else to power your vibrator’s generator if you want.” He’d be a total asshole, right? Yeah that’s you.
YTA. You obviously are able to put aside enough time and privacy to masturbate once a day but you’re hung up on having sex twice a month with someone you’ve been with for over 15 years and have kids with? He doesn’t want to have sex with other people, he wants to have sex with his wife. Look at it from his perspective – his wife has no problem jerking off once a day but wants him to never touch her again without any discussion about it.
At the very least you should be going to couples therapy to find a compromise or result that works for both of you.
Wow I am so sorry for your husband. You have serious issues and YTA. I hope he divorces you soon so you can have all the time you need to masterbate alone. Gross.
I wonder how she would feel if he asked her not to masturbate at all and remain married to him?She would leave him a heartbeat.
YTA. How about you stop getting yourself off EVERYDAY and see what a week or two of abstinence does for your drive to have sex with your husband??
No matter what those people told the wife, she won’t change her mind. She won’t start having sex with her husband again, and if she does, the damage is already done.
Imagine giving someone more than 15 years of your life only for them to drop the “we’re not having sex ever again” bomb on you.
Also, now that we are at it: Imagine giving your wife and daughter everything they ever needed only to have your wife plot your demise because she found out that you fucked another woman on the side a couple of times and have another kid.
Another post from the same Reddit community reads:
My husband and I have been married for almost two decades. We have a daughter who is my favorite person on this earth. She is so fantastic. She will be starting her senior year of high school and is preparing to apply for colleges.
I was contacted recently by another woman, who informed me that my husband had an affair with her, and when she found out about me, he arranged to pay child support for their child under the table so that I wouldn’t find out. She sent me a number of documents recording bank transfers, which I was able to match to transfers from our accounts, as well as photos of my husband with their child through the years. She also provided the dates of his visits to her, which line up with several of his business trips.
I was totally devastated and took the time to think it over and verify everything before I confronted my husband. I have decided that I am going to wait a year until I tell him that I know and file for divorce. It will be a terrible year for me but I know I can fake it since he’s traveling for work a lot anyway. I have decided to do this for several reasons:
Our daughter will be applying to college soon and will be starting a really important year. I don’t want to blow her life up with a divorce and the bombshell that her father was unfaithful and now she has a sibling that neither of us knew about.
My husband has many more financial resources than I do. I am well aware that if I file for divorce while our daughter still lives at home, he will leave me to care for her and will make me fight tooth and nail for monetary support and will likely drain me with legal fees, as he tends to be litigious. I make enough to support myself comfortably, but not enough to comfortably support myself and my daughter.
I fear that opening this door will open others. That is, I worry that he may have other children that I don’t know about, which would only magnify the hurt for both me and my daughter, and I don’t think that now is the time to handle it.
My question is, does my plan make me an asshole? I feel slimy not telling him right now and faking my affection for him, but I fear for my daughter’s wellbeing and my own ability to support us. AITA?
Edit: just wanted to add that my daughter will be 18 in September, so child support for the next year isn’t as cut and dry
Her husband had sex with another woman and had a bastard child. Oh, the end of the world. Definitely enough reason to nuke the marriage despite him never failing to provide.
People are encouraging her to destroy his life.
From the comments:
NTA he deserve everything that’s coming for him. Use the time to lawyer up, and gather evidence, document his assets.
And talk to the best lawyers in town, that way there is a conflict of interest when he goes to talk to them. Also, hire a private investigator to get more dirt on this lovely piece of work. You’re a good mom for protecting your daughter while you can. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I would like to add to this. Try to get your hands on as much cash as you can without causing suspicion. Lots of extra things come up Senior year. Inflate everything. If he’s gone a lot, fake home emergencies. Plumber, electric, whatever you can feasibly get away with to hoard cash.
Don’t feel bad about anything. You are being a good mom. Fuck him!
NTA. You do whatever you think you need to that is best for you and your child. Fuck him.
NTA—but please consult with a lawyer before you take this route. You may end up screwing yourself—for example it’s possible to get court ordered child support or an agreement to fund college while your child is under 18, but if you divorce after she’s 18, that won’t happen. He should be the one paying your legal fees if he’s the primary provider, as well. Please consult a lawyer.
In this case, the wife wants to destroy her husband because he looked for sex elsewhere. In the previous case, the wife took away sex from her husband’s life.
In marriage, wives can do both: take sex away from you and also destroy your life because you went looking for sex elsewhere.
They can also get upset when their husband masturbates in bed. You know, it’s not enough to ignore his needs, they also want to ignore that he has needs that are being unmet.
From another post from the same Reddit community:
My husband (26) and I (26) have been together for 6 years and married for 1. This has been an ongoing issue through our entire relationship. I truly don’t mind if he masturbates because I understand that we all have needs, but I am a very light sleeper and between the light of his phone and the shaking from the motion it wakes me up. He’ll stop for a minute, I go back to sleep, and then we repeat this cycle another 5-10 times until he finishes.
I find this really disrespectful to me. I have told him many times that this irritates me and I make him aware of my irritation every time he wakes me up. Last night, however, he acted like I was being completely unreasonable about it. After the 5th time of waking up and trying to get him to stop I moved out to the couch. Like I said, I don’t care if he does it, I don’t care where he does it and when he does it as long as it’s not in bed when I’m trying to sleep.
These aren’t horror stories.
These are regular marriage stories.